The Marvelous Madam Mim
by Unhobbity Hobbit
Summary: Xover with The Sword in the Stone. Sam and Dean meet Madam Mim. They duel. Therefore, animal transformation happens.


A/N: Written for the schmooptasia challenge to write something involving Disney that's either schmoopy or cracky. I went the crack route. Just a bit.

The Marvelous Madam Mim  


Okay, let's get this straight. Cursed objects? As in the whole "touch this object and you'll die in thirty days/turn into a goose/bring about the end of the world"? Yeah, they're not nearly as common as the stories would lead you to believe. Kinda like how archaeologists never run into as many booby traps as Indiana Jones.

So, when Dean picked up that book and a butt-ugly woman with purple hair appeared out of nowhere and started singing? Dean did totally not deserve the look he got from his brother. Seriously, not once had anything like that ever happened before when Dean touched a book. Well, okay, maybe once before, but that was an exception to the rule. It's not like the book was on a pedestal with a light from an unidentifiable source shining on it. A book lying on a dusty old table hardly screamed "hey, there's a cursed object here!". Sam could take that look and shove it where the sun don't shine because Dean did not deserve it.

Anyway, they had more important things to be worrying about than whose fault it was that everything had taken an unexpected turn for the worse. That butt-ugly, purple-haired singing woman had just stopped singing and was kind of looking at them the same way a tiger would look at a mouse.

"That would appear to be my book you're holding, there" she said in a voice that sounded like it could break out into a cackle at any minute. Dean looked at the book in his hands and promptly dropped it back onto the table.

"You can keep it, really. Didn't mean to bother you, we only just found it there." The woman grinned and bounced up and down.

"Ooh!" she screeched, "Found it, did you? Finders keepers, yes? You found it, it's yours!"

"What? No! You can keep it, we don't want it, honestly." Dean backed up into Sam and they both moved away from the woman, who was stalking towards them and seemed to loom menacingly, despite being nearly half their height.

"Oh no. No, no, no, you can't do that. You can't just give a magical book back! It doesn't work like that, you have to fight for it!"

"Wait, no, stop," said Sam, trying to get the situation back in hand, "Who are you?" The woman – hag, possibly, was a better word for her – looked up at Sam and her eyes gleamed evilly. There were definite evil thoughts going through her head.

"Haven't I introduced myself?" She clapped and screeched with excitement. "I," she declared, "Am Madam Mim!" Sam and Dean stood stock-still not entirely sure what to make of that. "I'm completely and utterly mad! Mad Madam Mim is my name and I challenge you to a wizard's duel!" Sam and Dean had backed up so far that they were standing in the open doorway.

"Whoa, whoa, no," Dean put his hands up in the air in a vain attempt to keep Madam Mim at a distance. "We can't duel; we're not wizards!"

"Got a wizards book, haven't you? Challenging me for it, aren't you?"

"Hold on," Sam said desperately, "You're the one who says we can't give it back to you!" Mim waved a hand dismissively.

"Oh, pish and twaddle, no one pays attention to the details. Now, we're going to set up a few rules before we start--"

"No, we're not starting. We refuse to duel!" said Sam. Mim's face drooped.

"Oh, you're going to play it like that, are you? Well, I suppose, if you're not going to play, then there's nothing to stop me from killing you right now." Mim began advancing on the two of them again and was she growing bigger? She was definitely growing bigger. With claws, too.

By now, they'd backed right out into the yard, which was covered in brambles and stinging nettles and overshadowed by the skeletons of dead trees. Looking at it now, it was a wonder that they hadn't realised the place was evil from the moment they set eyes on it. Mim Had to duck to follow them out the door.

"Okay! Okay!" Dean shouted, "We... accept your duel."

"Dean," Sam hissed in his ear, "What are you doing?" Dean ignored him. Mim shrank back down to her usual sized and jumped up and down, clapping and cackling.

"Oh goody! I love a good duel! We've got a few rules."

"What're they?" Dean asked reluctantly.

"No plants, rocks, anything like that, just animals." Sam and Dean glanced at each other, not yet knowing exactly what a wizard's duel entailed. "No made up animals either, like, I don't know, an elephant with lobster claws or anything like that," Mim replied. She started to grow bigger.

"Wait! We don't know any spells!"

"You've got a whole book of them there, boy. Come on, come on, got to be quick to stay ahead of the game!" She had swelled into the form of a rhinoceros and was snorting and stamping her foot and so obviously about to charge.

"Dean, what's the plan?" Sam asked in a strained whisper.

"Dude, I dunno, I need time to think," said Dean, flipping through the book.

"We haven't got any time, Dean." Mim the rhino was now backing up so she could get a better run up.

"Shit, this isn't a real spell book."

"What? How do you know?"

"What the hell kind of spell is 'higgledy piggledy'?" As it turned out, it was a spell for turning yourself into a pig. "Motherfucker!" said Dean the pig.

"Ready or not, here I come!" cried Mim just before she began her charge. The book was left lying in the dirt when the brothers split up and dived out of the way of the charging rhino. Mim circled around and went after Dean, which was just damn typical because he was so not used to having four legs. After what felt like an age of running – yes, okay, Dean admits it, but only because he wasn't used to having pig eyes – blindly, he heard Sam yell behind him. Dean skidded to a halt and turned to find Mim the rhino fighting off an attack from what could only be Sam the albatross.

"Dean! Get the book! Change into something else!" Dean saw the book lying open on what was possibly once the patio and rushed towards it. He nosed the book to a fresh page of spells, hoping they were for more aggressive animals.

"Hippity hop," he said, feeling more idiotic than he ever remembered feeling before. He was now a rabbit. Well, that was really useful.

"Dean! Come on!" came the panicked cry from up above where Sam was trying to do an unnatural amount of manoeuvring to get away from the golden eagle on his tail. Dean flipped a few more pages with his paws.

"Snicker snack." That was going to have to do, because Sam seemed to be in real trouble now. Dean waddled his new crocodile-self towards the centre of the yard and opened his jaws wide. Sam caught on quickly and dived low to the ground, leading Mim near enough for Dean to snap his jaws down and... catch Mim's tail, which wasn't really what he'd been aiming for, but it stopped her chasing after Sam, who was now a mess of feathers at the base of a tree. Apparently, he wasn't so good at landing.

Mim struggled in Dean's hold and tried to peck his eyes out, but she couldn't reach so she promptly turned into a mouse. Dean lost his grip on her tail and tried to snap after her, but she was too quick. Once she was out of range of his snapping teeth, she ballooned into the biggest snake Dean had ever seen. She slithered in a circle around him and he tried to keep up with her, but crocodiles were just not made with agility in mind. Instead, he satisfied himself with clamping his jaws down on her tail when it got too close. Her scream was like music to his ears. Until she slithered closer and wound herself around him. Dean was helpless to stop her because his mouth was pretty much his only weapon and that was already full.

It was then that Dean realised that Mim was a boa constrictor and that this was how boa constrictors killed. Yes, he was definitely starting to feel constricted.

"Shit, Sammy! Hurry up!" he managed before all the breath was squeezed from his lungs.

Never before had the sound of a growling tiger been such a relief. His world was turned over and over as Sam pulled Mim off of him and he lay on his back just getting his breath back and letting his bones creak back into their proper positions. Until he realised that lying on his back wasn't all that comfortable as a crocodile. He wriggled and managed to flip himself right-side-up and found that Sam, while doing slightly better than Dean had done, was having trouble stopping Mim from wrapping around him.

Dean hurried over to help, waddling as fast as his short legs could manage. He cursed crocodile physiology ten times over in his head before he was in range and able to snap down on Mim's tail again. He backed up, pulling the writhing snake with him. Once Sam was completely free, he bit into Mim just behind her head and started pulling in the opposite direction.

"Oh, oh, you boys!" screeched Mim. "Ganging up on me! This isn't fair!" Both brothers ignored her and carried on pulling. "I'll show you!" she said and both of the brothers found the body in their mouths becoming too large to keep a hold of. They backed off and away from Mim, as she now towered over the both of them.

"Hey! That's cheating, you said no made up animals!" cried Sam.

"Did I say no elephants with crab claws?" shrieked Mim, "Did I?" She started stalking menacingly towards Sam. Dean hurried after her, trying to snap at her ankles or tail, but she was too fast for him. She wasn't _actually _ fast, just too fast for Dean. Dean started muttering nonsense words under his breath in the hope that one would change him into something more useful. Nothing worked, typically.

Sam was trying to run or dodge or attack, but the crab claws that were in the place of the elephant's tusks were surprisingly agile, not to mention the trunk that easily lifted him off the ground. Sam struggled and lashed out with his claws an teeth, but was subdued when Mim closed a claw threateningly around his head.

"You bitch, I'll kill you!" yelled Dean, still trying to catch up.

"Ah, ah, ah, Dean!" said Mim with glee, "Come a step closer and I'll crush his skull!" Dean stopped where he was, seething, but unable to think of anything he could do. She could kill Sam just like that and Dean wouldn't be able to stop her. Mim cackled, high and wild.

"I win! I win!" she crowed, her evil grin looking really weird on an elephant's face, but no less evil. Dean growled and thrashed his tail, but Mim only grinned more.

But there was a faint sound, kind of like a plane but not. Dean would have ignored it if it hadn't been getting louder and if Mim had ignored it. But Mim didn't ignore it, in fact, she looked a little scared. That could only be a good thing.

Something hurtled out of the sky and landed in the middle of the yard, making Dean jump and Mim drop Sam and turn back into her usual butt-ugly self. Sam hurried over to Dean and the both of them looked each other over, nosing and sniffing as well. Dean couldn't even smell any blood; they'd come away pretty unharmed. Now all they needed was to become human again.

"Mim! Mim!" shouted the thing – man, even – that had shot out of the sky. He was wearing a blue robe and typical pointed wizard's hat and had the longest white beard Dean had ever seen. "What have I told you, Mim?" Mim tried to look innocent and failed badly.

"Whatever do you mean, Merlin? You haven't told me anything!" Sam and Dean glanced at one another. Dean was going to be glad to change back if only because Sam being this much taller than him was just plain wrong. Merlin waved his hand vaguely in the brothers' direction.

"You can't have wizard duels with people who aren't wizards!" Mim wrung her hands.

"Duel? We weren't duelling! We were just playing a game!"

"Mim!" yelled Merlin, "I am not a doddering old fool!" Mim mumbled something that probably wasn't very flattering. "I know what you've been up to and it is _enough_! You can't challenge everyone you meet to a duel and you can't stay here! You have to come back with me."

"Oh yeah?" said Mim, "And who's going to make me? Are you? Eh, Merlin? You think you can--" Merlin waved a hand in her direction and her voice cut off. She kept trying to talk, but no sound was coming out. This got her incredibly angry, but Merlin (and really, _Merlin_?) didn't seem at all worried.

"Right, now, where was I?" Sam cleared his throat and Merlin turned around, looking at them for the first time. "Oh yes, of course! I suppose you boys want to be human again?"

"God, yes," said Dean.

"Please," added Sam. Merlin drew a wooden stick – a wand, of all things – out of his sleeve and waved it over their heads.

"Snick snack snorum!" he declared and with a poof, Sam and Dean were back to their usual selves. They patted themselves down, just to make sure that _everything_ was back the way it should be. Merlin turned towards the sulking Madam Mim but Sam stumbled forward after him.

"Excuse me!" Merlin looked at him. "Are you, are you _really_ Merlin?" Merlin took a moment to think.

"Yes," he said thoughtfully, "Yes, I am." The he walked up to Mim, took her by the arm and shot back off into the sky with her, just like a rocket. Sam stared up into the sky at the point they'd disappeared.

"Sam, please don't tell me you're star-struck over an old dude with a pointy hat and beard." Sam looked at Dean incredulously.

"Dean, that was _Merlin_. You do know who Merlin is, don't you?"

"Come on, I'm not stupid. But that old guy? And is that _really_ what a wizard's duel is? I mean, seriously, turning into animals? Who does that?"

"Yeah, that was a bit weird. Kind of like a cutesy, Disney version of a duel, or something."

"Except for the bit where we almost died." Sam nodded and the both of them stood for a moment, just taking a breather.

"Hey, where's the book?" Dean glanced over the yard, not seeing it anywhere and shrugged.

"Beats me, maybe that Merlin-guy dealt with it." Seeing as there wasn't any reason to stay standing around, they started walking back to the car through the house. "Man, I'm starving."

"My mouth tastes like snake."

"Nearest diner it is, then."

The End.

Well done for making it this far, I applaud you.


End file.
